The boundaries I struggle with the most

I'm a psychologist and psychotherapist who works with ethical relationships. I study and practice tools for communication and negotiation, and I explore my own needs so I can manage emotions like jealousy and insecurity. Because of all that, a lot of people assume setting boundaries comes easily to me.

It doesn't. It absolutely doesn't.

So I decided to write an article about the boundaries I have the hardest time setting, what I do about them, and where the difficulty comes from.

I will not stay in a relationship where I feel like I'm not enough.

Here's a pattern that keeps repeating with me. Someone gives me attention, shows interest in getting to know me, we click, and then suddenly they start pulling away or become less present. We go from daily messages like "hey handsome, tell me about your day" to "hey" and one word answers.

And anyone watching from the outside would think I love it when people do this to me.

Someone who was only mildly interesting to me, someone I found a little attractive, suddenly becomes my priority. I write more. I'm more attentive. I rearrange my schedule around theirs so we can see each other. And when none of that brings the interaction back to what it was, I start going to dark places where I ask myself what I did wrong, how I became not enough overnight, and what I can do to get to the level I'm supposed to be at.

These are my red flags in this situation:

• I assume everything making me uncomfortable is my responsibility.

• I assume I'm not enough.

• I start obsessing over finding a solution.

• I feel constant tension in my jaw and my shoulders.

• I judge and attack myself, telling myself I'm doing things wrong.

My response comes from a trauma where I believe I'm not enough and that everything that goes wrong is my fault. Because of that, I have a hard time seeing the other person's responsibility and, above all, validating what I feel and need so I can make clear and specific requests. So instead I overcompensate, I fix, and I retreat into myself.

Starting from my red flags (remember, red flags aren't there to make me run, they're there to make me stop), I PAWS, and I look for ways to negotiate and take care of my needs by making clear requests. Some examples:

I feel confused because I've noticed your messages have gotten less frequent and you don't call me things like "handsome" or "cutie" anymore. I really liked that, and I want to know if something has changed. It's okay with me if it has. I just want to be clear.

Your messages feel different to me, both how often they come and the words you use. Is everything okay? Has something changed?

I like talking with you and I like the way you refer to me, but I've noticed that hasn't been happening the last few days. I want to know if something happened or something changed. It's okay with me if it did. I just want to be clear.

Boundaries are the last line of defense for taking care of myself when something is hurting me. Be careful they don't turn into walls that isolate you. For me it's important to look at what actually is negotiable before I set a boundary.

Making these requests scares me because it puts me in a very vulnerable place. The other person could react in a lot of ways, including attacking me, invalidating me, or ignoring my needs. But if that happens, it tells me this isn't someone I want a relationship with.

Now, if the request is validated and met, but I still feel the same, or the distance comes back as I perceive it, then I can decide this isn't the kind of relationship I'm looking for.

That's where the boundary comes in: I will not be in relationships where I feel like I'm not enough. The action is ending the relationship, triggered by feeling not enough after I've already tried to negotiate.

As you can see, I'm not judging the other person or blaming them with lines like "well, I want this, but since you're inconsistent, I'm leaving." Validating my own discomfort is enough for me to take care of myself.

I'm going to make sure I take a little time all to myself.

Having two romantic partners, plus friends, family, and a lot of patients, means I'm constantly relating to other people. Like any interaction, that involves constant giving and receiving, and after a while it can get overwhelming for me. There are days when all I want is to be on the couch with my pups, watching some pointless show, eating chocolate and drinking lavender chamomile tea.

And here's where my trauma response walks in: "Ruffus, if you don't tend to your people constantly, they're going to leave you." So I stretch myself thin and run myself into the ground to stay available for others, even at my own expense.

The fear of being abandoned is bigger than the fear of the exhaustion and burnout I'm already used to anyway.

My red flags here are:

• I get irritable and reactive with my people.

• I feel tense and impatient.

• My head speeds up and I have a hard time concentrating.

• I feel tired and restless at the same time.

• I start dreading the idea of seeing people, even people I love.

The intrusive thoughts that convince me to keep demanding more of myself than I can give include "they could leave you at any moment and you're giving them a reason to," "if you're not with them it's because you don't really love them," and "they're going to get angry with you and they won't understand that it isn't about them, it's about you."

These red flags and intrusive thoughts help me find the valid needs sitting behind the fear, and from there I can make clear and specific requests:

I notice I'm tired and irritable. I need to spend some time alone to recharge, but I'm scared you'll take that as me not wanting to be with you, and that it'll make you angry and push you away from me. I want to ask you to tell me if that's what's happening, and what we can do so I can take this time without you feeling threatened.

I feel insecure about asking you for time for myself. I want to talk with you and explore how you can help me feel comfortable doing it.

Through this negotiation, I can find times and ways of separating that feel loving and give me confidence. Even so, it's important for me to remember that all those red flags are telling me I need to stop and take care of myself. If it becomes urgent, then I set my boundary: I'm going to take at least one day a week to be with myself.

Again, I'm not judging the other person for being demanding or overwhelming. I'm focusing on the action I'm going to take to care for myself in a specific situation.

I'm going to stop when I feel overwhelmed or when I feel like something is being demanded of me.

I'm a very accommodating person. Not because I'm a "good" person, but because I carry an internalized belief that I'm only as valuable as what I give to other people. So I notice I tend to compensate for that sense of not being enough by meeting whatever the other person needs, whether they asked me for it or not.

A lot of the time I burn out taking care of demands nobody ever made, demands I assume exist in my head.

My red flags in this situation are:

• I feel tired and irritable.

• Requests from my people bother me, no matter how small or routine they are.

• I feel constantly inadequate and not enough.

• I feel sad and unmotivated.

• I feel angry and treated unfairly, because "I have to do everything myself."

But I also notice this rarely comes from my relationships or my life actually demanding that much of me. Usually the demands come from me assuming what people need and how urgently they need it. So I run around putting out fires I invented in my own imagination, flooding everyone with my resources until I'm completely wrung out. And of course people take what I give them. Nobody looks a gift horse in the mouth.

And when they do stop to notice how tired and fed up I am, validating it by asking "are you okay?", my crappy old tools kick in, I smile, and I say "yeah, nothing's wrong."

But something is wrong.

After spending time stopping at these red flags and asking for help exploring them, I found these needs:

• Recognizing that it's valid for me to need things and ask for them.

• Help from someone who tells me to stop.

• Feeling cared for and seen.

• Reassurance that my relationships don't depend only on me providing things or meeting needs 100% of the time.

With that, I've been able to negotiate with my partners. One of them caught on to my "nothing's wrong" line when something clearly is, and now he stops me the moment he hears it. That's been a huge help in getting me to pause and look at what's happening with me and what I need. I've also built in stopping on purpose, and I keep a bullet journal that lets me see visually when I'm saturated or missing something I haven't asked for.

This boundary is especially hard and ambitious, because I have trouble admitting I'm overwhelmed at all. I feel like I can and should give more all the time. So I've started with an affirmative version instead: I'm going to take a few minutes in the morning to ask myself what I need.

Remember that boundaries are the last line of defense against something that hurts me. Before that, there can be negotiations and agreements.

Also remember that the point of a boundary is to take care of me. If my boundaries lead me to judge myself, attack myself, treat myself without compassion, or feel bad, they're probably too ambitious for the tools I have right now, or the context I'm in doesn't let me act in line with my moral agency.

If you need help setting boundaries, you can join my 7-day Boundaries Challenge here!